"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today," wrote a parent. "Please execute him." "Please excuse Mary for being absent," wrote another parent. "She was sick and I had her shot." These drastic measures were inadvertently taken in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school. In all fairness to pupils throughout the land, I must point out that slaughtering the English language is a practice that is not limited opnly to students. An astonishing number of grownups blithely go about murdering the King's English without any inkling that they are committing a serious crime. If you think that today's students aren't learning all they should, check out some of the writing miscreated by their moms and dads. the following are actual excuse notes received by teachers. Dear School: Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several mispellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits. Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's. Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.
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Note: This is one of many funny texts and jokes that were emailed to me, and collected over many years. Without exception, they had come through a large chain of people, and were each completely untraceable. Because of this, I have taken them to be public property, and shared them with you on this site.