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Star Trek Meets the Road Runner

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...Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of research
mission to an unknown planet.  I think the Captains Log would be worth a

  Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5:  Starfleet Command has directed the
Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a
full research team.  Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable,
but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms.  I am
beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers
except for poor Scotty.

  Supplemental-1:  Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently
while exploring under a high rock shelf.  He reports only hearing a loud
sound and jumping before being struck.  After examination by Dr. McCoy
he has been judged capable of continuing duty.

  Supplemental-2:  We have encountered an alien creature on this planet.
While it does not itself seem menacing, an unfortunate occurrence took
place when it was present.  Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew
his phaser.  The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke,
immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu.  Sulu
fired, hitting Ens. Chekov.  Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was
set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to
soot.  Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and

  Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting:  Tricorder readings indicate
that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great
speed over the surface of the planet.  We have encountered the creature
once again.  In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted
to fire on it.  The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the
phaser beam.  Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above
the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall.  Although it
appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was
driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured,
though stunned.  The Captain has been beamed up to Sick bay, leaving me
in command of the research party.

  Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1:  The creature is still at large on
the planet surface.  While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party
I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our
lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.

  Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.3:  The strange occurrences that have
dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me
to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for
them.  Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty,
though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should
be kept under observation.

  Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to
counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows:  We have placed
dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it.
This dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when
any weight falls on it.  The creature will then travel a slide,
eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of
transparent aluminum.  We will then be free to analyze it at our
leisure.  Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of
the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.

  Captain's Log, supplemental:  The plan failed.  The creature was
indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected.  It sped to the dish,
consumed the bait, and sped off without setting the trap.  Mr. Spock is
as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design.
I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature
in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist

  Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8:  Sociologist Xontel has been
temporarily incapacitated.  In pursuing the creature, he and his men
somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just
as he completed the corrections to it.  The trap was sprung, and all
four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just
before they fell into the cage we constructed.  We are now trying to
release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the
impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell.  I consider this a
major setback.  Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."

  Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4:  In an all-out attempt to stop the
creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from
the Enterprise.  The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning
manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence.
Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet
Command.  Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals
are deteriorating at an alarming rate.  He has jury rigged a system that
will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new
crystals soon.

  Captain's Log, supplemental:  Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder
reading from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been
sighted.  He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the
high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate.  I have begun to
analyze the creatures movements.  It seems to travel consistently over a
set path.  Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through

  Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7:  Mr. Sulu has located a cache of Acme
dilithium crystals atop a high cliff.  Regretfully, while collecting them,
the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummeted several
hundred feet to the ground below.  Strangely enough, they both survived
the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although
they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely
buried.  A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe

  Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9:  Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship
with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he foresees
compatibility problems.  Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led
seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit.
A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and
commanded his men to spread out.  I wish to state for the record that I
would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be
held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the
unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train.  He has been
beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.

  Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1:  Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate,
a thereagram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked
containers in Sick bay.  By injecting a small amount into each member of
the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature at its own
high speed terms.

  Captain's Log, supplemental:  The latest experiment to deal with the
strange creature has failed.  As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured does
of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP,
BEEP!  Dr. McCoy, understandable flustered, accidentally pressured in the
entire contents of the hypo into his arm.  A full security team is in
pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

  Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2:  I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship.  The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed.  On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.

  Captain's Log, supplemental:  This is a warning to all other starships
that may pass this way.  Do not approach this planet!  The illogical
events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science.  If
you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will
learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable.  We channeled full ship's
power through the phaser banks.  Theoretically, the creature should have
been  destroyed; hover, the energies were too much strain for the Acme
crystals.  The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise,
engulfing her completely.  At first, the only noticeable effect was a
complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support.
Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure.
Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the
atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet.  When the ship had
collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time,
and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below.  We have no
theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported
nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that
they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and
then a gradual drop:  first the feet, then the body, and finally the head,
usually wearing a resigned expression of perplex.  We are attempting
now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove
intelligent.  Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it.
Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the
ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space,
where hopefully someone will find it.  Captain James T. Kirk, recording.

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Note: This is one of many funny texts and jokes that were emailed to me, and collected over many years. Without exception, they had come through a large chain of people, and were each completely untraceable. Because of this, I have taken them to be public property, and shared them with you on this site.

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