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Copyright © 2000 by Alastair Soles. All Rights Reserved.
One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remardks was "All I know is what I
read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in
the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the
news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.
Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and
women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.
They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief
messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be
attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each
headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.
No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down,
and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a
red-face result.
Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent
pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT
MAKES HOLE IN ONE
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE
ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED
DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES
GROWING UGLY
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN
JAYWALKERS
FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES
EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL
HOUSE PASSES GAS
TAX ONTO SENATE
POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA
TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST
STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED
TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN
MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES
MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING
IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE;
JURY HUNG
U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT
CHINESE APEMAN DATED
MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE
TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY
WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY
ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD
NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.
U'S FOOD SERVICE
FEEDS THOUSANDS,
GROSSES MILLIONS
COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLES
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS
SHOULD BE BELTED
SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR
S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF
BY NEW LAW
10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED
QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH
JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER
MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
CARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICIT
CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP
CARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR
ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY
NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD
TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS
WHEN OVERPASS IS READY
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
KISSINGER ALLEGEDLY FORGES MIDEAST PACT
GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS
IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT
4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB
HERSHEY BARS PROTEST
MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY
NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION
When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become
unwittingly suggestive:
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY
TO GOOSE HUNTERS
CONNIE TIED, NUDE
POLICEMAN TESTIFIES
WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED
MORE BROAD-BASED
ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE
STUD TIRES OUT
PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE
CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME
FOR PROSTITUTION
SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMEMT
MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED
AT NEARBY SCHOOL
JAIL GUARD PROBE IN PRISON SEX
GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM,
FINE FOR SEX ACTS
PANDA MATING FAILS
VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH
NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM
PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING
FOR VOLUNTEERS
N. J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.
CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN
IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP
SERVICE WIDOWS
COLUMNIST GET UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE
WITH HIS PEERS
DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX
WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
MRS. CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS
CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS
STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS
FOR PETS, OWNERS
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar:
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET,
BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT
AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA
LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE
LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR
HORNETS WILL ACCENT THROWING GAME IN '81
SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD
AS PET FISH
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND
DURING TRIAL
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND,
CRASH PROBE TOLD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANNT
FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR
HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC
SILENT TEAMSTER BOSS GETS UNUSUAL
PUNISHMENT, LAWYER
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS
IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME
IN 10 YEARS
COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS
KILLED IN NEW JERSEY
Occasionelly, a deformed headlinne takes on a meaning that is exactly the
opposite of the one intended:
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION
FROM LOVED ONE
CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN
NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY
DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84
AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY
LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER
20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR
And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious:
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY,
IT MAY LAST A WHILE
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH
CUTS EFFICIENCY
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS
REQUIRE SOME STUDY
FOR GRADUATION
CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY
FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS
SCENT FOUL PLAY
IN DEATH OF MAN
FOUND BOUND AND HANGED
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN:
POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH,
EXPERT SAYS
DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS,
FEELINGS OF ISOLATION
Note: This is one of many funny texts and jokes that were emailed to me, and collected over many years. Without exception, they had come through a large chain of people, and were each completely untraceable. Because of this, I have taken them to be public property, and shared them with you on this site.